You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize