I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
