I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
He did a backflip because drugs
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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