so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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