good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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