Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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