So drunk its hurt
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
