Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
