Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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