I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I stole a fireplace last night.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
