I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
