the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
We are all done wearing pants today
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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