Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
