I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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