I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
