Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
