dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
