WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize