I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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