She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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