I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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