Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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