i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
