I wish I could teleport
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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