from now on my penis is your penis
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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