On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
