So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
