dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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