I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
