I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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