My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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