my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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