A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
