I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
