I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
