Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
