a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
