We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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