where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
