My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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