I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
