Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
