I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
