Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
