so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
