So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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