He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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