he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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