I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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