I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
