Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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