I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
