Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
