just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I need to sanitize my soul.
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