I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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