the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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