ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
